the Odd Kouple

Hi everyone.  It has been a long time since we have written.  Things have been very busy for us, but I hope to get back to writing blog posts again.  This entry will be a quick one.  Natalie wanted to give everyone a message.  So, check out the recording below.

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It has been a long road for us since Christmas and we have taken our time in posting something up to give us some healing time.  We still have our low days, but I know that for me, there is has been a lot of positive change.  More good days than bad I believe.  The love and support we felt from all of you before, during and after has been uplifting and indescribable.  So I wanted to share with you one of our good experiences we just had. 

Those who know what we did this past weekend are aware just how insane Nikki and I may actually be.  Friday through Sunday we spent out time in Sand Rock, AL camping out and going rock climbing with our 2 1/2 year old along with our close friends Jill and Rachel.  It was an amazing experience and not nearly as challenging as we thought it might be.  Natalie did AMAZING for her first camping trip.  When we got home she told Nikki that her favorite part was the dirt.  Shortly after that, she played dress up in a Cinderella outfit.  I guess you could say she is a well rounded child.   Sand Rock is one of my favorite rock climbing spots.  I used to teach climbing at Camp Widjiwagan in Antioch, TN (they called me Houdini).  It was one of my favorite jobs.  After 2 weeks of lessons on a ropes course and a large alpine climbing tower I would take my campers on an overnight stay to Sand Rock as a reward for their hard work. 

On this trip there were tons of people showing up for camping and climbing enjoying this area.  We almost didn’t get a good climbing spot.  But found a good starter climb for everyone.  Natalie didn’t make it far, but loved trying and swinging from the rope in her new harness.  The ladies did great on the first climb and seemed to be enjoying themselves.  For me, this was a nice healing time.  Getting back to some of my roots before I joined the corporate world and just got too busy with life. 

My worry before we went was that I had lost my touch, but I was glad to know that Papi still has it!  Over the past month or so I have tried to take steps to get healthier physically to help me get healthier mentally.  It was rewarding to see that pay off.  I was worried that my 31 yr old body wasn’t going to do more than one or two climbs…however, the extra prep time made me feel better than when I was 21 or 22 and did these climbs before. 

The first day of climbing I was able to scale the rocks, setup the climbs, give proper instructions, even help some strangers with their climbs…and even complete my climbs without hurting myself or feeling sore afterwards.  But the real challenge came the next day.  I decided to face a climb called “Pressure Sensitive” located right next to another route called “Midget Digits.”  Pressure Sensitive is considered a 5.10 climb.  It is about 90-100 feet high with a slight inverse overhang part way up with most of the hand holds requiring finger tip grips.  This was my test for the day.  Our prior climbs were roughly 5.7-5.8 climbs.  Those offer some challenges for beginners. 

But this was the day for me to face my mountain.  We had faced so many over the last 5 months, this was my time to step up and overcome feelings of defeat.  I felt inadequate in front of this massive obstacle.  After an hour or so of working my way through the first challenge, then the second, and so on all the way to the top, with several stops along the way to fight feelings of self doubt…I finally felt a sense of reward as I kissed the 2 carabineers that anchored the rope at the top.  I knew what the final reward was as I turned to enjoy it.  Behind me was a breathtaking view of the valley.  It is one thing to walk to the edge from the road and take in this view, but I can assure you that it is a whole different experience when you come from the bottom.

This is how I have felt lately.  Each day has been a challenge and each day I have to fight off feelings of doubt and sadness.  But each day that I overcome another challenge, I build that confidence to get past the next one.  I hope that you have enjoyed the pictures that accompany this post.  I am also including a video at the bottom of Natalie enjoying swinging under Pressure Sensitive.  Thank you all again for your continued support.  We love you all!

Click on the Photo Album to see more of our adventure.  And check out the video at the bottom of Natalie “Climbing.

Climbing and Camping

Daniel (aka Houdini)

As I (Daniel) sit here holding the first blanket Aiden was wrapped in after birth, I can’t help but look back and reflect on how we told him goodbye.  Many families in similar situations as ours do not always have time to say a proper goodbye.  As difficult as it was for us to know the diagnosis so early on, it was a blessing in its own right.  Having that extra time to get everything setup ahead of time helped to give us the time and the freedom to wrap our love around Aiden’s precious soul when he arrived. 

Nikki and I have talked and agreed that we wanted to share with you all some of the details of the ceremony.  First, I would like to give a giant thank you to Snow’s Memorial for how comfortable they made the process.  In such hard times, they made it such a wonderful experience where we will not regret any detail of the service. 

Prior to the service, we were given time to bring in professional photographers to create lasting memories (more on this in a future post).  Snow’s also allowed multiple visits from us and family.  But the amazing part was the small private service on Monday December 28th.

With the time that we had we were able to find a beautiful, peaceful location at Riverside Cemetery.  I do not remember a lot of details about the service.  I mainly remember the healing feeling I had.  As we sat there looking at the beautiful arrangement and the picture of Nikki and me holding Aiden close and kissing his soft head, I couldn’t help but be overcome by sadness and peace at the same time.  We did everything right in our situation to put Aiden to rest.  The only detail at the time we were not sure of was how Natalie would react to all of this. 

Prior to the service Natalie had been amazing.  As everything began unfolding on that beautiful day, Natalie sat still next to Nikki.  As the service continued, she began to take on another role as a healer.  She got out of her seat and walked over to me.  With a big grin on her face she reached up for me to hold her.  Once in my lap she took several measures to assure Nikki and I were ok.  I believe she saw our sadness, but knew that everything was going to be ok.

At the times that I cried, she would gently wipe my tear drops off with a tissue.  Then she would lean forward and give me a sweet kiss.  At other times, almost instinctively, knowing that I needed to smile would give me an Eskimo kiss and a butterfly kiss to ease my pain.  during one of the prayers, she wrapped one arm around my neck, leaned to her left and pulled mommy in with the other arm giving us a strong hug with a huge smile on her face. 

By that point, it was hard not to feel like everything would be ok.  How sweet she was.  My heart broke over those days for Nikki, for myself and for the fact that Natalie would not be able to show Aiden how wonderful and caring of a sister she would be.  In those moments at the service I felt that we had given Aiden a wonderful home surrounded by love.  Natalie also made sure of it. 

After the service, Natalie spent a few minutes softly touching the flowers on Aiden’s casket and even pulling a small one out for herself.  I kneeled down next to her and she immediately said, “These Aiden’s flowers.”  I said, “Yes ma’am, they are.  But it is time to say goodbye to Aiden.”  She moved over and stood in front of me with a peaceful look on her face.  I asked her, “Can you tell your little brother goodbye and blow him a kiss?”  With no hesitation, she softly said, “Goodbye, Aiden.  Luvs you.”  Then reached her hand up and blew him a kiss.  Without lingering, she turned and walked away as if to know it was time to go. 

I reached out and brushed the flowers softly and said my goodbyes, taking one of the tiny roses and putting it in my jacket pocket.  I couldn’t help but smile at what I had just witnessed with Natalie.  How sweet that goodbye was.  I could feel a sense of fulfillment thanks to the inner beauty of my 2yr old.  And it of course, for those that know Natalie, didn’t hurt to hear her words in that sweet voice that she has.   She had become the best therapy I could ever have during and after the entire service. 

With peaceful love,

Daniel, Nikki, and Natalie

I realize it has been a while since I graced the cyberspace of our blog.  It has been almost a month now since our last update but have found it difficult to find words to express what is going on.  Over the past month I have spent a lot of time keeping busy, not really thinking about what we are facing.  For me I believe it has been easier than for Nikki as she never has a chance to “step away” from the situation at all.  This is both a blessing and a curse as she gets to be present with Aiden every time he kicks or moves, but has to constantly be reminded of the inevitable.  For the latter, I wish I could bare part of that burden. 

Yesterday was especially difficult as we finally took the time to sit down face to face with a funeral home to start the planning process that we dread to think about.  However, it wasn’t nearly as difficult as I expected.  We were stunned by the sincerity Snow’s Memorial Chapel offered to us.  They were calm, gentle and willing to answer every question we had and some.  It was comforting to know that Aiden would be in good hands when the time comes.

One difficult time I personally had came when they offered to show us the casket.  I knew that this time would come.  I agreed to it so as not to be surprised later on.  When he brought it in I could only look for a short time.  Having to picture my baby boy in there was gut wrenching.   Not knowing whether I would have a chance to tell him how much I love him or whether he would even get a chance to see who is Papi is makes me realize that NO parent should ever have to face this.  For those that have and those that are suffering through it now, I mourn with you. 

Later that night as Nikki and I lay in bed, she reached over and pulled my hand to her beautiful pregnant belly.  She told me to keep it there for a minute.  Before too long, there was a kick to my palm.  Then some movement near my fingertips.  Aiden was moving around and was giving me a chance to feel his touch in that moment.  It was as if the world had stood still for me right then.  Nothing else mattered.  My boy was there, with me.  For the first time…I knew my son. 

Throughout the next 10 minutes I didn’t move my hand.  I cried tears of joy and sorrow hoping to have a chance to hold him alive, but feeling satisfied to know I got this opportunity to feel him playing in the womb.  There are so many “firsts” that I wish I could show Aiden.  But this touch, this first time connecting with me is one that I will hold on to forever. 

Daniel