the Odd Kouple

Hi everyone.  It has been a long time since we have written.  Things have been very busy for us, but I hope to get back to writing blog posts again.  This entry will be a quick one.  Natalie wanted to give everyone a message.  So, check out the recording below.

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It is about time we put up something on here that is just plain fun.  I mean, I know for some the rock climbing entry was a blast for you since you got to see my rear end in a harness…but I digress.  Natalie has gotten to the point now that she enjoys the ABC show Dancing with the Stars.  She has actually become a great little dancer all on her own by mimicking the actions on the show.  So, I thought it would be fun to show everyone a fun clip of Natalie giving me a demonstration of her version of Dancing with the Stars.  So, without further ado….I present to you, Natalie.  Our own dancing star!

Hope you had fun on this one!  Isn’t she cute?!

Daniel

It has been a long road for us since Christmas and we have taken our time in posting something up to give us some healing time.  We still have our low days, but I know that for me, there is has been a lot of positive change.  More good days than bad I believe.  The love and support we felt from all of you before, during and after has been uplifting and indescribable.  So I wanted to share with you one of our good experiences we just had. 

Those who know what we did this past weekend are aware just how insane Nikki and I may actually be.  Friday through Sunday we spent out time in Sand Rock, AL camping out and going rock climbing with our 2 1/2 year old along with our close friends Jill and Rachel.  It was an amazing experience and not nearly as challenging as we thought it might be.  Natalie did AMAZING for her first camping trip.  When we got home she told Nikki that her favorite part was the dirt.  Shortly after that, she played dress up in a Cinderella outfit.  I guess you could say she is a well rounded child.   Sand Rock is one of my favorite rock climbing spots.  I used to teach climbing at Camp Widjiwagan in Antioch, TN (they called me Houdini).  It was one of my favorite jobs.  After 2 weeks of lessons on a ropes course and a large alpine climbing tower I would take my campers on an overnight stay to Sand Rock as a reward for their hard work. 

On this trip there were tons of people showing up for camping and climbing enjoying this area.  We almost didn’t get a good climbing spot.  But found a good starter climb for everyone.  Natalie didn’t make it far, but loved trying and swinging from the rope in her new harness.  The ladies did great on the first climb and seemed to be enjoying themselves.  For me, this was a nice healing time.  Getting back to some of my roots before I joined the corporate world and just got too busy with life. 

My worry before we went was that I had lost my touch, but I was glad to know that Papi still has it!  Over the past month or so I have tried to take steps to get healthier physically to help me get healthier mentally.  It was rewarding to see that pay off.  I was worried that my 31 yr old body wasn’t going to do more than one or two climbs…however, the extra prep time made me feel better than when I was 21 or 22 and did these climbs before. 

The first day of climbing I was able to scale the rocks, setup the climbs, give proper instructions, even help some strangers with their climbs…and even complete my climbs without hurting myself or feeling sore afterwards.  But the real challenge came the next day.  I decided to face a climb called “Pressure Sensitive” located right next to another route called “Midget Digits.”  Pressure Sensitive is considered a 5.10 climb.  It is about 90-100 feet high with a slight inverse overhang part way up with most of the hand holds requiring finger tip grips.  This was my test for the day.  Our prior climbs were roughly 5.7-5.8 climbs.  Those offer some challenges for beginners. 

But this was the day for me to face my mountain.  We had faced so many over the last 5 months, this was my time to step up and overcome feelings of defeat.  I felt inadequate in front of this massive obstacle.  After an hour or so of working my way through the first challenge, then the second, and so on all the way to the top, with several stops along the way to fight feelings of self doubt…I finally felt a sense of reward as I kissed the 2 carabineers that anchored the rope at the top.  I knew what the final reward was as I turned to enjoy it.  Behind me was a breathtaking view of the valley.  It is one thing to walk to the edge from the road and take in this view, but I can assure you that it is a whole different experience when you come from the bottom.

This is how I have felt lately.  Each day has been a challenge and each day I have to fight off feelings of doubt and sadness.  But each day that I overcome another challenge, I build that confidence to get past the next one.  I hope that you have enjoyed the pictures that accompany this post.  I am also including a video at the bottom of Natalie enjoying swinging under Pressure Sensitive.  Thank you all again for your continued support.  We love you all!

Click on the Photo Album to see more of our adventure.  And check out the video at the bottom of Natalie “Climbing.

Climbing and Camping

Daniel (aka Houdini)

I wrote the following about a week ago, but decided to wait to post it.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would be a good idea.  I tried to write an honest post about what the grief is like.  After I wrote it, I thought, “if I post this people will think I’m losing it.”  So I sat on it for a while.

I kept thinking about the post and wondering if other people felt hesitant to articulate what their grief was like to friends and family.  It does seem to be a taboo subject in our world and I think that it might be even more taboo to talk about the grief when it is a child who has died.  People who are concerned about the grieving person are afraid they will make it worse by talking about it; and grieving people think they will make others uncomfortable if they confess how sad they really feel.

So, I have decided to post what I have written.  If for no other reason than to share my experience with those of you who carry your own grief.  I figure that there are a lot of people out there who have lost people that they loved very much and my hope is that what I have written below will resonate with your soul.

Please know that Daniel and I both are walking this journey the best way we know how.  Most of the time, we are dealing really well and it seems that when one of us needs a little break from reality, the other can step up and be a support.  We are so grateful for all of the loving support we have received and we know that we could not be managing as well as we are without it.

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Confession:  Grief is hard.  Anyone who has walked its road will attest to this fact.  No day is the same.  Sometimes I wake up feeling fine and other days I wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep so I don’t have to face the day.  Some days I go almost the whole day without crying, but on most days, I loose count of how many times I cry.

Grief is emotional.  I feel sad most of the time, but occasionally I will feel angry.   When I feel angry, I am frustrated because it doesn’t feel like it has anywhere to go. I’m not angry at anyone in particular, just the circumstances.  Then, I realize that I’m to tired to be angry, and it kind of dissolves away and gives way to more sadness…absolutely overwhelming and heavy sadness.

Grief is physical. More than angry, even more than sad, I feel tired.  I have been a little surprised by how incredibly exhausted I have been.  When I am able to sleep, it is a deep, deep sleep.  I am always grateful for sleep and I never feel like I get enough of it.  tired.  My body is tired and sometimes it aches because it is so tired.  Each day, I have a list of things that I want to get done and not yet have I finished everything on my list in a day.  Usually, I get one thing done and that is all I have the energy for.  Some days, I get none of it done, because it is all I can do to give Natalie the attention she needs.  She is my top priority each day.

Grief is mental.  I can be in the middle of an activity and completely forget what I was doing.  If someone asks me if a prefer this or that, I become paralyzed to answer.  Every decision, even the little ones, like what I’m going to wear or eat, feel overwhelmingly difficult to make.   Sometimes it just feels like the world is moving way to fast and that it is too loud.  Any stimulation is to much right now.  When the world feels like too much, I seem to check out because I cannot take it all in right now.

Everything about it is hard.  And most of the time, I wish it would just stop.

But I can’t.  I cannot skip it, I cannot go around it or over it or under it.  All I can do is walk through it.  Everyone says that eventually it does get easier; that one day, I will be able to dress myself without feeling overwhelmed; that one day, I will be able to make be able to decide what to feed my daughter without feeling like I am moving a mountain; that one day, I will have the energy to accomplish all the things I want to accomplish in a day; that one day, I will not walk around all day wondering what it was that I was doing; that one day, I will feel mostly like myself again.

But the ache…no one has said that one day, it won’t ache.  It seems I get to keep that part the rest of my life.  I think that one day, it will ease a little, but I now live on the after side of loosing my child.  There was this part of my life that was before we lost Aiden.  And now there is this part of my life that is after.  So much of the after is different from the before.  But, it’s not all bad.  Well, right now, most of it is really bad…most of it hurts more than I can describe.  But, I do think that there are things that will become more positive as time goes on.  The only reason I think this is because I have known other people who have lost children and they have had good things emerge out of the tragedy that it is.  I imagine that these people would give all of the good back, if they got to get their children back; I know I would.  But that is not how life works.  For now, we have to figure out how to live this life that we have been given.  We have to figure out how to move forward…or for me right now, not fall backwards.  Right now, I’ll take holding steady.  I’ll work on moving forward a little later.

So, this is grief.  It is hard and messy and frustrating and I’d rather not do it.  But here we are doing the best we can with it, and trying to find the good in it.

As I (Daniel) sit here holding the first blanket Aiden was wrapped in after birth, I can’t help but look back and reflect on how we told him goodbye.  Many families in similar situations as ours do not always have time to say a proper goodbye.  As difficult as it was for us to know the diagnosis so early on, it was a blessing in its own right.  Having that extra time to get everything setup ahead of time helped to give us the time and the freedom to wrap our love around Aiden’s precious soul when he arrived. 

Nikki and I have talked and agreed that we wanted to share with you all some of the details of the ceremony.  First, I would like to give a giant thank you to Snow’s Memorial for how comfortable they made the process.  In such hard times, they made it such a wonderful experience where we will not regret any detail of the service. 

Prior to the service, we were given time to bring in professional photographers to create lasting memories (more on this in a future post).  Snow’s also allowed multiple visits from us and family.  But the amazing part was the small private service on Monday December 28th.

With the time that we had we were able to find a beautiful, peaceful location at Riverside Cemetery.  I do not remember a lot of details about the service.  I mainly remember the healing feeling I had.  As we sat there looking at the beautiful arrangement and the picture of Nikki and me holding Aiden close and kissing his soft head, I couldn’t help but be overcome by sadness and peace at the same time.  We did everything right in our situation to put Aiden to rest.  The only detail at the time we were not sure of was how Natalie would react to all of this. 

Prior to the service Natalie had been amazing.  As everything began unfolding on that beautiful day, Natalie sat still next to Nikki.  As the service continued, she began to take on another role as a healer.  She got out of her seat and walked over to me.  With a big grin on her face she reached up for me to hold her.  Once in my lap she took several measures to assure Nikki and I were ok.  I believe she saw our sadness, but knew that everything was going to be ok.

At the times that I cried, she would gently wipe my tear drops off with a tissue.  Then she would lean forward and give me a sweet kiss.  At other times, almost instinctively, knowing that I needed to smile would give me an Eskimo kiss and a butterfly kiss to ease my pain.  during one of the prayers, she wrapped one arm around my neck, leaned to her left and pulled mommy in with the other arm giving us a strong hug with a huge smile on her face. 

By that point, it was hard not to feel like everything would be ok.  How sweet she was.  My heart broke over those days for Nikki, for myself and for the fact that Natalie would not be able to show Aiden how wonderful and caring of a sister she would be.  In those moments at the service I felt that we had given Aiden a wonderful home surrounded by love.  Natalie also made sure of it. 

After the service, Natalie spent a few minutes softly touching the flowers on Aiden’s casket and even pulling a small one out for herself.  I kneeled down next to her and she immediately said, “These Aiden’s flowers.”  I said, “Yes ma’am, they are.  But it is time to say goodbye to Aiden.”  She moved over and stood in front of me with a peaceful look on her face.  I asked her, “Can you tell your little brother goodbye and blow him a kiss?”  With no hesitation, she softly said, “Goodbye, Aiden.  Luvs you.”  Then reached her hand up and blew him a kiss.  Without lingering, she turned and walked away as if to know it was time to go. 

I reached out and brushed the flowers softly and said my goodbyes, taking one of the tiny roses and putting it in my jacket pocket.  I couldn’t help but smile at what I had just witnessed with Natalie.  How sweet that goodbye was.  I could feel a sense of fulfillment thanks to the inner beauty of my 2yr old.  And it of course, for those that know Natalie, didn’t hurt to hear her words in that sweet voice that she has.   She had become the best therapy I could ever have during and after the entire service. 

With peaceful love,

Daniel, Nikki, and Natalie

The birth of Aiden John was one of the most beautiful moments of my (Nikki’s) life.  Though he was very small, he took up an awfully big space in our hearts and in our lives.  And though he never took a breath on this earth, he will forever be a part of the fabric of our lives.  Little Aiden was absolutely beautiful and I will never forget the first moment I saw him and got to hold him.  He had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes.  He had his father’s forehead and his sister’s perfect little mouth.  He also had nearly as much hair as she did when she was born.

We were so grateful to the medical staff at Central Georgia Medical Center.  They took really good care of us and allowed our family time to meet baby Aiden.  My favorite moments were watching Natalie with him.  We let her have complete control over how close she got to him.  At first, she just wanted to look at him while sitting in her Papi’s lap.  Then she touched the blanket that he was wrapped in and then gave him a little tap on his nose.  Then all of a sudden she wanted to hold him.  It made my heart feel so warm to see her being so gentle and loving to her little brother.  We had a rag that was there to dab a little Aiden’s nose because he was having a little bit of a nose bleed.  As he was passed from one family member to another, the rag would easily be forgotten and fall to the floor.  Every time, Natalie would pick up the rag, hand it to the person holding Aiden, and say, “That’s Aiden’s!” She was so proud to help take care of him.  And I was proud of the way she loved him.  I also felt so sad that I would not get to see how she would be a big sister to him.  That is something that I will always wish I could have seen.

After the family left the hospital, we hung around to wait on the funeral home to come and get Aiden.  Letting him go that night was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  There was no way I could prepare for it and to be honest I thought I might literally break in two as I did so.  I don’t really know how we managed to do the things that we had to do that night—all I do know is that I didn’t do it by myself.  I know this because I wasn’t capable of doing it by myself.  Daniel and I both had someone carrying us through it, making it possible for us to take each step as we had to take.

And that is how the last five days have been.  For me, they have been a blur, but I do know that there have been all kinds of people around, taking care and loving my family and me.  I hope to write down some more of the things that have happened over the last several days.  At first we didn’t think we would see Aiden again, but we were able to see him a couple more times and that was a wonderful gift.  I will write more about all of it soon.

Though we continue to hurt deeply, we find ourselves so grateful for all of those who have helped to make this all a little more bearable.  We are grateful that God has given us friends and family who can so tangibly show us God’s love and compassion.  It is these gifts that have and continue to carry us through.

Thank you for your prayers and words of comfort.

Daniel, Nikki, and Natalie

Many people have checked in and asked how we are doing.  We are so grateful for all of your concern.  The best answer is that it depends on the moment in which you ask.  Over all, Daniel and I are dealing very well.  We have so much support with each other and around us, that we are able to walk this journey somehow.   In all honesty, there are moments when we both wonder if we can really bear this.  There are moments I think, “I had no idea I could hurt this much.”  We both find ourselves pretty exhausted by all of the emotions and grief we are experiencing.

At the same time, we keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking through.  We love our time with Natalie and she continues to bring so much joy into our lives.  She is such a healing presence for both of us and we continue to be delighted to watch her grow and learn.  She is quickly becoming a very independent little thing and wants to do it all herself.

Most recently, I have made the transition to stay home with Natalie and it is going really smoothly.  We are still looking for a rhythm, but I doubt it will come before the holidays are over.

Thank you again for walking this journey with us.  We are grateful for the companionship.

Thank you also to those of you who have reached out to us as parents who have lost infants.  We have struggled to have the energy to respond, but look forward to connecting with you when we feel we are able.  Right now, we are focusing on things closer to home, but hope you will still be there when we do need to talk.

Holding on tightly,

Nikki, Daniel, Natalie, and Aiden

(For those that may be new readers to our blog, please understand that we cannot mention specifically where we are.  This could potentially jeopardize the work that John and Casey do here.  This also keeps us from specifically naming some of the foods or locations within the country we are in.  This is why we can only say that we are in SE Asia.) 

If you have been following me on Twitter you would know that yesterday we made a trip to the main river here.  We had a chance to take a ride on a speed boat to visit several villages along the river.  Several of these villages are home to the water filtration systems that John and Casey have been a part of building since they have been here.  It was an incredible experience and wonderful time to see how they have spent their life here among the people. 

By the time we reached the port village the heat of the day was already making the A/C of the car work harder than it was designed for.  As soon as we pulled into the boat captain’s house where we were to leave the car, a crowd had gathered to catch a glimpse of Natalie.  It seems that she has become an instant star with her curly hair.  The people here also find it fascinating that she is so large for age…and they are not shy to point it out.  But they love it. 

From here we got to tour a medical boat designed to go up and down the river.  It provides free dental and other general medical services to villages that are located on the banks of the river.  There is a small fee to register on a patient’s first visit, but after that there is no further charge as long as they bring there registration card.  The boat consists of two levels with the reception level on the first level along with the main medical clinic.  Upstairs are bedrooms, storage rooms and a kitchen.  It was a moving experience to see what could be done with so little. 

Even though the boat showed signs of wear throughout the floors and walls, it still radiated with the life and love that filled each room.  You could still find cups of teeth that had been pulled from the many dental visits where most patients waited too late to seek treatment.  The medical rooms were full of life even as they were currently empty while the boat was docked for maintenance.  As John and Casey walked us through each room and described the work that was done on this boat, we could not feel more proud to be present just to witness this work.

After the tour of the medical boat, we took off on a 15 foot speed boat to head out on our tour of the river.  Surrounded by views of villages filled with houses that were raised above the water by stilts.  Some made of wood, some of concrete.  Some houses standing firm, while others leaning and appearing to almost fall over…but all were occupied.  Some homes just floated on the water only supported by bamboo.  As one piece of bamboo would go bad, it would be replaced.  That brings a completely different meaning to the thought of “redoing our kitchen floors.”  Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Make Over would have had a hard time with these homes.  

Our main purpose of this river tour was for a chance to see the water filtration systems that John and Casey have been working on.  Originally, we had hoped to get a chance to work on some ourselves, but unfortunately, that will not work out due to several circumstances.  Yesterday though, we did get a chance to see 2 of the 12 systems located in places that seemed to be only reachable by boat. 

The systems consist of 6 water chambers.  The first holds the dirty water pumped in from the river.  Then the water is filtered through 2 chambers that are filled with rocks, followed by chambers filled with sand.  Finally, the water passes through a charcoal filter before it is stored in the final chamber where it is the cleanest.  The water goes from a “hot chocolate” brown color to completely clear.  The villagers are still told to boil the water, but some still drink it straight from the tap in this state and have not gotten sick from it. 

At the second location we had the chance to stop and spend time in the home of the village leader.  This was one of the houses raised above water by stilts, but also had the water filtration system attached next to it.  This experience was incredible as we had the opportunity to spend time with the family who allowed us to use their home as a place for us to spread our lunch out on their floor and eat in their home even though we did not bring anything for them and they were not eating with us.  It was a very humbling experience to have a picnic in the middle of someone else’s house.  Granted, there was no dry land outside for us to spread out on and eat either.  So, we didn’t have much of a choice.  Natalie made herself right at home and once again was the star of the show with her curly hair and curious personality.

So much more happened yesterday.  I can’t fit it all in right now.  But as I reflect back, I realize that this has been an incredible experience just to come back and see what John and Casey have done.  Even though we cannot show you their faces and give you more details about them or where they are, do know that they have made a footprint on the world.  The people here have been embraced and loved by John and Casey.  In the short time they have been here they have provided them with a gift that will last a lifetime and have filled us with a pride that will we cannot fully express.

As I sign off for the evening (mid day for all of you) I leave you with what else, but a cut picture of Natalie with the children of the village leader that we met.  Goodnight.  I hope the rest of you have a great day on the other side of the world. 

D. Hardeman