the Odd Kouple

The birth of Aiden John was one of the most beautiful moments of my (Nikki’s) life.  Though he was very small, he took up an awfully big space in our hearts and in our lives.  And though he never took a breath on this earth, he will forever be a part of the fabric of our lives.  Little Aiden was absolutely beautiful and I will never forget the first moment I saw him and got to hold him.  He had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes.  He had his father’s forehead and his sister’s perfect little mouth.  He also had nearly as much hair as she did when she was born.

We were so grateful to the medical staff at Central Georgia Medical Center.  They took really good care of us and allowed our family time to meet baby Aiden.  My favorite moments were watching Natalie with him.  We let her have complete control over how close she got to him.  At first, she just wanted to look at him while sitting in her Papi’s lap.  Then she touched the blanket that he was wrapped in and then gave him a little tap on his nose.  Then all of a sudden she wanted to hold him.  It made my heart feel so warm to see her being so gentle and loving to her little brother.  We had a rag that was there to dab a little Aiden’s nose because he was having a little bit of a nose bleed.  As he was passed from one family member to another, the rag would easily be forgotten and fall to the floor.  Every time, Natalie would pick up the rag, hand it to the person holding Aiden, and say, “That’s Aiden’s!” She was so proud to help take care of him.  And I was proud of the way she loved him.  I also felt so sad that I would not get to see how she would be a big sister to him.  That is something that I will always wish I could have seen.

After the family left the hospital, we hung around to wait on the funeral home to come and get Aiden.  Letting him go that night was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  There was no way I could prepare for it and to be honest I thought I might literally break in two as I did so.  I don’t really know how we managed to do the things that we had to do that night—all I do know is that I didn’t do it by myself.  I know this because I wasn’t capable of doing it by myself.  Daniel and I both had someone carrying us through it, making it possible for us to take each step as we had to take.

And that is how the last five days have been.  For me, they have been a blur, but I do know that there have been all kinds of people around, taking care and loving my family and me.  I hope to write down some more of the things that have happened over the last several days.  At first we didn’t think we would see Aiden again, but we were able to see him a couple more times and that was a wonderful gift.  I will write more about all of it soon.

Though we continue to hurt deeply, we find ourselves so grateful for all of those who have helped to make this all a little more bearable.  We are grateful that God has given us friends and family who can so tangibly show us God’s love and compassion.  It is these gifts that have and continue to carry us through.

Thank you for your prayers and words of comfort.

Daniel, Nikki, and Natalie

I know that there has been a lot of anticipation to hear how everything went at the hospital.  We thank everyone for your prayers and concerns.  We felt so much warmth from that support.

After 9 and a half hours of laboring, Aiden John Hardeman finally joined us in this world at 12:23 am on December 25th.  He was 2 lbs 11 oz and 15.75 inches long.  Between the two hospitals (Coliseum and The Central GA Medical Center), Aiden was the first Christmas baby in Macon this year.  However, we do regret to inform you that he did not survive the birthing process.  He was stillborn when he joined us. 

The laboring process was short, yet difficult.  But the hospital staff was phenomenal in how they cared for us.  We were able to let all of the family that was in town visit with Aiden.  In addition to this, we were given a significant amount of time for us to hold and love on him.  For this we are so thankful. 

Around 5:30am we did one of the most difficult things that we have ever done.  It was time to let go.  We said good bye to Aiden John for the last time.  We passed him on to the funeral home and were released from the hospital. 

Thank you again to everyone that has supported us through this.  It may be difficult to view, but I have included a family picture with Aiden.  Thank you and we love you all! 

Many people have checked in and asked how we are doing.  We are so grateful for all of your concern.  The best answer is that it depends on the moment in which you ask.  Over all, Daniel and I are dealing very well.  We have so much support with each other and around us, that we are able to walk this journey somehow.   In all honesty, there are moments when we both wonder if we can really bear this.  There are moments I think, “I had no idea I could hurt this much.”  We both find ourselves pretty exhausted by all of the emotions and grief we are experiencing.

At the same time, we keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking through.  We love our time with Natalie and she continues to bring so much joy into our lives.  She is such a healing presence for both of us and we continue to be delighted to watch her grow and learn.  She is quickly becoming a very independent little thing and wants to do it all herself.

Most recently, I have made the transition to stay home with Natalie and it is going really smoothly.  We are still looking for a rhythm, but I doubt it will come before the holidays are over.

Thank you again for walking this journey with us.  We are grateful for the companionship.

Thank you also to those of you who have reached out to us as parents who have lost infants.  We have struggled to have the energy to respond, but look forward to connecting with you when we feel we are able.  Right now, we are focusing on things closer to home, but hope you will still be there when we do need to talk.

Holding on tightly,

Nikki, Daniel, Natalie, and Aiden

Last Friday, Daniel and I had the opportunity to meet baby Aiden in the virtual world. It was so wonderful for both of us to get to see a clearer image of him. He is a cute little fella and we wanted you to get to meet him also. If you are so inclined, feel free to watch the video below and meet Aiden yourself. The video is about 10 minutes long and the first 3D images don’t come until about half way into it. Also, the best image comes in the last half minute. Watch as much or as little as you want. Thank you for sharing in both our joys and our sorrows on this journey.

It was really helpful for me (Nikki) to learn some things about our little Aiden. He is smaller than he should be at this point. On average he’s measuring around 27 or 28 weeks when he is actually 32 weeks along. This was not a surprise to us—we had been told that he would be small. He also seems to weigh about 2.7 lbs when most babies at this point are closer to 4lbs. As much as we don’t want him to be small, it helps me to have more information. We also learned that he may be having a hard time swallowing. We know this because I have a lot more fluid in my belly than I should right now. He should be helping me out by swallowing some of it, but many T18 babies are unable to do this and it causes a build up of fluid for the momma. This is not dangerous to me or Aiden, it just makes me more uncomfortable. It also means that he has a great big swimming pool to swim around in right now and I look more pregnant than I really am.

We hope you enjoyed meeting our little guy. We can’t wait to meet him in person.

With love and gratitude,

Nikki, Daniel, Natalie, and Aiden

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