the Odd Kouple

I (Nikki) am not known for my green thumb. I have lots of wonderful gifts, but keeping potted plants alive has not normally been one of them. I water them too much or forget about them and don’t water them enough. However, as a result of the love and care of our friends after Aiden’s funeral, we became the caretakers of three beautiful new plants in our home.

I felt a little intimidated at the idea of keeping these plants alive. However, it is one month later and they still are. Dare I say they may even be thriving? It has been good to be able to care for something over the last month and I am grateful that they are not wilting pitifully in a corner somewhere. It is a small miracle that they are still lovely and green.

That said, it has been one month today since our precious Aiden both entered and left our world. Daniel, Natalie and I shared the evening by visiting Aiden’s grave and leaving flowers there. We both find a strange peace when we are at that spot. We believe that he is not in that ground, but we know it is where his body lays and that is comforting in some strange way.

Thank you to so many of you who remembered this day and sent your love and care through emails and phone calls. We truly are blessed to have so many that love us.

With Hope,

Nikki, Daniel and Natalie

I wrote the following about a week ago, but decided to wait to post it.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would be a good idea.  I tried to write an honest post about what the grief is like.  After I wrote it, I thought, “if I post this people will think I’m losing it.”  So I sat on it for a while.

I kept thinking about the post and wondering if other people felt hesitant to articulate what their grief was like to friends and family.  It does seem to be a taboo subject in our world and I think that it might be even more taboo to talk about the grief when it is a child who has died.  People who are concerned about the grieving person are afraid they will make it worse by talking about it; and grieving people think they will make others uncomfortable if they confess how sad they really feel.

So, I have decided to post what I have written.  If for no other reason than to share my experience with those of you who carry your own grief.  I figure that there are a lot of people out there who have lost people that they loved very much and my hope is that what I have written below will resonate with your soul.

Please know that Daniel and I both are walking this journey the best way we know how.  Most of the time, we are dealing really well and it seems that when one of us needs a little break from reality, the other can step up and be a support.  We are so grateful for all of the loving support we have received and we know that we could not be managing as well as we are without it.

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Confession:  Grief is hard.  Anyone who has walked its road will attest to this fact.  No day is the same.  Sometimes I wake up feeling fine and other days I wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep so I don’t have to face the day.  Some days I go almost the whole day without crying, but on most days, I loose count of how many times I cry.

Grief is emotional.  I feel sad most of the time, but occasionally I will feel angry.   When I feel angry, I am frustrated because it doesn’t feel like it has anywhere to go. I’m not angry at anyone in particular, just the circumstances.  Then, I realize that I’m to tired to be angry, and it kind of dissolves away and gives way to more sadness…absolutely overwhelming and heavy sadness.

Grief is physical. More than angry, even more than sad, I feel tired.  I have been a little surprised by how incredibly exhausted I have been.  When I am able to sleep, it is a deep, deep sleep.  I am always grateful for sleep and I never feel like I get enough of it.  tired.  My body is tired and sometimes it aches because it is so tired.  Each day, I have a list of things that I want to get done and not yet have I finished everything on my list in a day.  Usually, I get one thing done and that is all I have the energy for.  Some days, I get none of it done, because it is all I can do to give Natalie the attention she needs.  She is my top priority each day.

Grief is mental.  I can be in the middle of an activity and completely forget what I was doing.  If someone asks me if a prefer this or that, I become paralyzed to answer.  Every decision, even the little ones, like what I’m going to wear or eat, feel overwhelmingly difficult to make.   Sometimes it just feels like the world is moving way to fast and that it is too loud.  Any stimulation is to much right now.  When the world feels like too much, I seem to check out because I cannot take it all in right now.

Everything about it is hard.  And most of the time, I wish it would just stop.

But I can’t.  I cannot skip it, I cannot go around it or over it or under it.  All I can do is walk through it.  Everyone says that eventually it does get easier; that one day, I will be able to dress myself without feeling overwhelmed; that one day, I will be able to make be able to decide what to feed my daughter without feeling like I am moving a mountain; that one day, I will have the energy to accomplish all the things I want to accomplish in a day; that one day, I will not walk around all day wondering what it was that I was doing; that one day, I will feel mostly like myself again.

But the ache…no one has said that one day, it won’t ache.  It seems I get to keep that part the rest of my life.  I think that one day, it will ease a little, but I now live on the after side of loosing my child.  There was this part of my life that was before we lost Aiden.  And now there is this part of my life that is after.  So much of the after is different from the before.  But, it’s not all bad.  Well, right now, most of it is really bad…most of it hurts more than I can describe.  But, I do think that there are things that will become more positive as time goes on.  The only reason I think this is because I have known other people who have lost children and they have had good things emerge out of the tragedy that it is.  I imagine that these people would give all of the good back, if they got to get their children back; I know I would.  But that is not how life works.  For now, we have to figure out how to live this life that we have been given.  We have to figure out how to move forward…or for me right now, not fall backwards.  Right now, I’ll take holding steady.  I’ll work on moving forward a little later.

So, this is grief.  It is hard and messy and frustrating and I’d rather not do it.  But here we are doing the best we can with it, and trying to find the good in it.

As I (Daniel) sit here holding the first blanket Aiden was wrapped in after birth, I can’t help but look back and reflect on how we told him goodbye.  Many families in similar situations as ours do not always have time to say a proper goodbye.  As difficult as it was for us to know the diagnosis so early on, it was a blessing in its own right.  Having that extra time to get everything setup ahead of time helped to give us the time and the freedom to wrap our love around Aiden’s precious soul when he arrived. 

Nikki and I have talked and agreed that we wanted to share with you all some of the details of the ceremony.  First, I would like to give a giant thank you to Snow’s Memorial for how comfortable they made the process.  In such hard times, they made it such a wonderful experience where we will not regret any detail of the service. 

Prior to the service, we were given time to bring in professional photographers to create lasting memories (more on this in a future post).  Snow’s also allowed multiple visits from us and family.  But the amazing part was the small private service on Monday December 28th.

With the time that we had we were able to find a beautiful, peaceful location at Riverside Cemetery.  I do not remember a lot of details about the service.  I mainly remember the healing feeling I had.  As we sat there looking at the beautiful arrangement and the picture of Nikki and me holding Aiden close and kissing his soft head, I couldn’t help but be overcome by sadness and peace at the same time.  We did everything right in our situation to put Aiden to rest.  The only detail at the time we were not sure of was how Natalie would react to all of this. 

Prior to the service Natalie had been amazing.  As everything began unfolding on that beautiful day, Natalie sat still next to Nikki.  As the service continued, she began to take on another role as a healer.  She got out of her seat and walked over to me.  With a big grin on her face she reached up for me to hold her.  Once in my lap she took several measures to assure Nikki and I were ok.  I believe she saw our sadness, but knew that everything was going to be ok.

At the times that I cried, she would gently wipe my tear drops off with a tissue.  Then she would lean forward and give me a sweet kiss.  At other times, almost instinctively, knowing that I needed to smile would give me an Eskimo kiss and a butterfly kiss to ease my pain.  during one of the prayers, she wrapped one arm around my neck, leaned to her left and pulled mommy in with the other arm giving us a strong hug with a huge smile on her face. 

By that point, it was hard not to feel like everything would be ok.  How sweet she was.  My heart broke over those days for Nikki, for myself and for the fact that Natalie would not be able to show Aiden how wonderful and caring of a sister she would be.  In those moments at the service I felt that we had given Aiden a wonderful home surrounded by love.  Natalie also made sure of it. 

After the service, Natalie spent a few minutes softly touching the flowers on Aiden’s casket and even pulling a small one out for herself.  I kneeled down next to her and she immediately said, “These Aiden’s flowers.”  I said, “Yes ma’am, they are.  But it is time to say goodbye to Aiden.”  She moved over and stood in front of me with a peaceful look on her face.  I asked her, “Can you tell your little brother goodbye and blow him a kiss?”  With no hesitation, she softly said, “Goodbye, Aiden.  Luvs you.”  Then reached her hand up and blew him a kiss.  Without lingering, she turned and walked away as if to know it was time to go. 

I reached out and brushed the flowers softly and said my goodbyes, taking one of the tiny roses and putting it in my jacket pocket.  I couldn’t help but smile at what I had just witnessed with Natalie.  How sweet that goodbye was.  I could feel a sense of fulfillment thanks to the inner beauty of my 2yr old.  And it of course, for those that know Natalie, didn’t hurt to hear her words in that sweet voice that she has.   She had become the best therapy I could ever have during and after the entire service. 

With peaceful love,

Daniel, Nikki, and Natalie

I know that there has been a lot of anticipation to hear how everything went at the hospital.  We thank everyone for your prayers and concerns.  We felt so much warmth from that support.

After 9 and a half hours of laboring, Aiden John Hardeman finally joined us in this world at 12:23 am on December 25th.  He was 2 lbs 11 oz and 15.75 inches long.  Between the two hospitals (Coliseum and The Central GA Medical Center), Aiden was the first Christmas baby in Macon this year.  However, we do regret to inform you that he did not survive the birthing process.  He was stillborn when he joined us. 

The laboring process was short, yet difficult.  But the hospital staff was phenomenal in how they cared for us.  We were able to let all of the family that was in town visit with Aiden.  In addition to this, we were given a significant amount of time for us to hold and love on him.  For this we are so thankful. 

Around 5:30am we did one of the most difficult things that we have ever done.  It was time to let go.  We said good bye to Aiden John for the last time.  We passed him on to the funeral home and were released from the hospital. 

Thank you again to everyone that has supported us through this.  It may be difficult to view, but I have included a family picture with Aiden.  Thank you and we love you all! 

Last Friday, Daniel and I had the opportunity to meet baby Aiden in the virtual world. It was so wonderful for both of us to get to see a clearer image of him. He is a cute little fella and we wanted you to get to meet him also. If you are so inclined, feel free to watch the video below and meet Aiden yourself. The video is about 10 minutes long and the first 3D images don’t come until about half way into it. Also, the best image comes in the last half minute. Watch as much or as little as you want. Thank you for sharing in both our joys and our sorrows on this journey.

It was really helpful for me (Nikki) to learn some things about our little Aiden. He is smaller than he should be at this point. On average he’s measuring around 27 or 28 weeks when he is actually 32 weeks along. This was not a surprise to us—we had been told that he would be small. He also seems to weigh about 2.7 lbs when most babies at this point are closer to 4lbs. As much as we don’t want him to be small, it helps me to have more information. We also learned that he may be having a hard time swallowing. We know this because I have a lot more fluid in my belly than I should right now. He should be helping me out by swallowing some of it, but many T18 babies are unable to do this and it causes a build up of fluid for the momma. This is not dangerous to me or Aiden, it just makes me more uncomfortable. It also means that he has a great big swimming pool to swim around in right now and I look more pregnant than I really am.

We hope you enjoyed meeting our little guy. We can’t wait to meet him in person.

With love and gratitude,

Nikki, Daniel, Natalie, and Aiden

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